ROZVADOV, Czech Republic — After years of speculation and side eye, researchers at the prestigious European Center for Excessive Tank Studies have definitively proven that controversial Czech pro Martin Kabrhel is not, in fact, human. He is a Martian. An actual, red-planet-born, probe-dodging Martian.
The announcement follows years of mounting evidence—most notably Kabrhel’s ability to tank for 19 straight minutes with 6♠3♦ offsuit while convincing the table he has kings.
“Normal human brains simply don’t do this,” explained lead researcher Dr. Eva Trenčínová, waving a printout that looked suspiciously like a solver output. “We ran the numbers. Earthlings fold that hand in 0.8 seconds on average. Kabrhel’s decision tree required a Martian calendar. His seconds are longer.”
Players at the recent WSOP Paradise $25K reported that Kabrhel appeared to receive real-time instructions from his home planet via a card protector shaped like the Czech lion—suspected to be a covert antenna.
“He was blinking in Morse code,” said one railbird. “Definitely uploading pot odds to a mothership.”
“His tells weren’t tells,” said a veteran floor person. “They were alien vibrations. He’d lick his lips, stare at the felt for four minutes, then snap-call with third pair. We thought it was angle-shooting. It’s just extraterrestrial GTO.”
Leaked biometric data from a WSOP wellness check showed Kabrhel’s DNA is 88% Martian helix, 10% Italian shot-clock defiance, and 2% whatever fueled Alex Foxen’s 2025 run.
Despite the revelation, Kabrhel continues to dominate:
- Bagged a massive stack leading Day 2a of the WSOP Paradise $25K
- Shipped a Triton 125K for $1.36 million without acting in under five minutes
- Mounted a 14:1 comeback to win a High Roller
- Secured his fifth WSOP Europe bracelet
When reached for comment, Kabrhel stared at our reporter for seven minutes before muttering something chatGPT translated as “no, not like that.”
