Rozvadov, Czech Republic — After years of speculation and 19 consecutive minutes in the tank with 6♠3♦ offsuit, scientists have finally confirmed what the poker community has long suspected: Martin Kabrhel is not human—he is, in fact, an actual Martian.
“We were analyzing standard human decision-making patterns in tournament play,” said Dr. Eva Trenčínová of the European Poker Observatory, “and Kabrhel’s time bank usage broke our model. It turns out he’s operating on Martian seconds, which are 47 times longer than Earth seconds, and only respected when holding absolute air.”
Kabrhel, fresh off leading Day 2a of the WSOP Paradise $25K, reportedly communicated with his home planet mid-hand by blinking at a reflective card protector shaped like a Czech lion.
🧠 Unidentified Betting Object
Witnesses say he hovered over the felt during a 3-bet pot while muttering to himself in an untraceable dialect and sweating from places humans don’t have glands.
“His tells were vibrating,” said one dealer. “At one point, he activated what I believe was some kind of Martian HUD by licking his lips and staring at the floor. Then he snap-called third pair like it was AA. We thought it was disrespect—turns out it was Martian GTO.”
Players seated with Kabrhel described the experience as “what playing live poker would feel like if anxiety had a voice and wore a tracksuit.”
🔬 DNA Results: 88% Martian, 12% Reg Speed Tank Engine
A leaked WSOP biometric scan revealed Kabrhel’s genome contains 88% Martian code, 12% Italian shot clock resistance, and trace amounts of Daniel Negreanu’s post-2013 rage.
Efforts to ban Kabrhel from Earth-based events have failed due to interplanetary player rights clauses in the WSOP’s fine print, originally written to accommodate Elon Musk.
🏆 Results That Defy Physics
Despite—or possibly because of—his extraterrestrial origins, Kabrhel continues to crush:
- $1.36M in a recent Triton 125K
- Comeback win at BSOP High Roller down 14:1
- WSOP Europe bracelet #5, bringing his total Earth trophies to “suspicious levels”
He’s expected to enter the $1M Big One for One Drop next year riding a drone made of broken clocks and sarcasm.
Reactions from the Community:
“I don’t even care if he’s an alien. I just want him to act within 30 seconds.”
— Mustapha Kanit, trembling
“He tanked so long I aged out of my PokerStars deposit bonus.”
— Random Grinder, now 44
“Honestly, I’m not mad. I just feel like we need to start checking players for antennae.”
— Daniel Negreanu, from a flotation pod