After years of preaching that solvers were the secret to poker dominance, Doug Polk has finally dropped the act and revealed the bizarre truth: his edge has always been tripping balls and doom-scrolling cat memes.
According to a close source, Doug’s genius isn’t built on skill or data alone. It’s powered by “chaotic visual stimulation paired with low-grade psychosis.”
“I don’t actually use Lucid Poker,” Polk said, smiling like a man watching casino carpet breathe. “I just microdose, blast Daft Punk, and stare at cat pics until the cards start talking.”
He’s now launching a new course called ConsciousSolver. It’s $4,200 and includes 12 JPEGs, a playlist of lo-fi gambling beats, and a voice memo of Polk whispering “bluff” for 47 minutes straight.
It’s already the best-selling product on Upswing’s website.
“I was stuck for 3 years,” one student said. “Then I took two tabs of orange sunshine, watched the 10 hour version of Pop Cat vs Vibing Cat, and realized I’ve been folding top pair like a bitch.”
Skeptics remain, though. Daniel Negreanu tweeted a single emoji: 🤨, and Phil Hellmuth announced a competing course where you just look in the mirror and scream “I’m geeked!” until you pass out.
If poker really is about finding your edge… maybe this is it.
Or maybe everyone’s just losing their minds. Either way, we’re buying.
Editor’s note: None of this is true, to the best of our knowledge.
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