After years of pretending solvers mattered, Doug Polk finally admitted the truth: he’s been tripping balls and looking at cat memes.
According to our source, Doug’s real edge isn’t data, it’s “chaotic visual stimulation paired with low-grade psychosis.” In simpler terms: drugs and the internet.
“I don’t use Pio,” Polk said, smiling like a man watching casino carpet breathe. “I just microdose, blast Daft Punk, and stare at cat pics until the cards start talking.”
He’s now launching a new course called ConsciousSolver. It’s $4,200 and includes 12 JPEGs, a playlist of lo-fi gambling beats, and a voice memo of Polk whispering “bluff” for 47 minutes straight.
It’s already the best-selling product on Upswing.
“I was stuck for 3 years,” one student said. “Then I took two gummies, watched the 10 hour version of Pop Cat vs Vibing Cat, and realized I’ve been folding top pair like a bitch.”
Not everyone’s convinced. Negreanu tweeted “Is this a bit?” and Phil Hellmuth announced a competing course where you just look in the mirror and scream “I’m geeked!” until you pass out.
If poker really is about finding your edge… maybe this is it.
Or maybe everyone’s just losing their minds.
Either way, we’re buying.
Editor’s note: None of this is true, obviously.
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